The fun roller-coaster called Depression

Who's ready for another negative article?
Me, me, me!
Okay if you say so!

God I need better jokes.

People always used to say that I looked depressed, mainly because I was zoned out thinking.

But now, after having depressive episodes since July, I'm beginning to wonder if they knew something I didn't.

It's not a topic I discuss much - bar a few close friends of course - but I assume most of the people reading this have no idea who I am. So fuck it right?

Until recently, I didn't have much of an opinion on mental health as a whole. I knew what It was, and what it had done to people. I didn't, however; understand it. No one I knew personally had dealt with it that I was aware of, and I'd never seen it's damage first hand.

That all changed in the summer. I'd begun having emotional disconnects and days of feeling demotivated. To start that's all they were, and I thought nothing of it. Over time they've grown more serious and I'll get to that later. During the summer, I met someone, someone who had dealt with things I could never imagine having to deal with. I knew instantly how strong she was, and in hearing her stories I became enlightened about what mental health really meant.

From then onwards I began to think more about my emotions on a given day, focusing especially on how and why I felt on the bad days. I soon concluded that I wasn't just feeling demotivated or sad - I was feeling depressed. And it wasn't always because of anything happening to trigger it.

As the months have elapsed since the summer, my episodes have grown worse. I keep it very internalised, with most people just assuming (as they used to) that I just "look depressed" rather than actually being depressed. I shut a lot of people out if they ask, often breaking out the classic excuse of "I'm tired". I'm tired of feeling depressed maybe, and tired because I'm depressed, but very rarely is it actually just a result of genuine sleep deprivation.

I choose to hide it from the majority of people for a few primary reasons :

> people have enough already to deal with, and I don't like burdening people
> people will either tell me to simply "stop being depressed" or refuse to take me seriously at all
> I don't like talking about it with people that think they know me, like family and old friends, because it'd hurt them. They will blame themselves, something I don't desire.
> I don't know if I actually have it, or if I merely tricked myself into thinking that I do.

That last one is a biggie. As I've said, I think about everything, a lot. In doing so it's very easy to lose a grip on who you are and what you believe. If you constantly question everything how can you ever hope to have an answer for the infamous question: who am I?

Episodes used to just involve an emotional dissonance, nowadays it's debilitating sadness, spiraling further and further, the worst ones often having so much self loathing that I don't want to bother to get out of them. I just sit there. Alone.

It's frustrating waking up and wondering if you're going to feel amazing and ready to do everything you need to do, or like nothing matters and you are just, suffocating.

Worse still, I'm completely conscious of what's happening, I can tell when they're coming and I can tell when they're happening, but I can very rarely stop them. A passenger in your own body.

As per usual at the moment this isn't a very uplifting post, so I'll try and end it on a slightly more positive note.

I'm depressed sure, but episodes happen 2 or 3 times a week on average so that means I'm happy over 50% of the time. On top of that, I have amazing people in my life right now, people who pull me out of the spiral and don't make me feel guilty about asking for their help. They know who they are and I'm thankful every day for them keeping me afloat, and giving me good days to outweigh the bad.

I saw a statistic recently saying that over 60% of teens suffer from or know people suffering from depression or anxiety.

Let that sink in.

60%.

Its a pandemic, Although; there is a silver lining. Even though you'll feel alone, it helps to know that you are far from the only person experiencing it. The sheer number of people who deal with it act as an incentive to governments and medical professionals to help cause real, effective treatments and changes to the system to prevent it being like this again.

As a closing statement, for anyone who struggles like I do to get through an episode, I leave you 2 tips :

Talk. To. Someone.
I cannot stress enough how much talking through what's happening to someone (even a stranger on the Internet) helps to rationalise and collect your thoughts.

Find an anchor.
A friend showed me a method of reciting each colour in a room to keep me present, and it does provide some relief. Some People count to 20 or listen to a specific song. Whatever keeps you in the present.

Anyway , that's pretty much all I can think of to say right now. I could go into more depth but I honestly do not think that talking in great detail about a depressive episode will help anyone feel better.

Till the next one,
Ty.